A case in point.. Paragraph Writing

READ through this and add a comment by telling me what you think the ORIGINAL paragraph should have received as a mark.

This last term we have been writing paragraphs in Moodle. The following is one paragraph I have just marked. On the face of it it covers all of the bases... but it needs some work. The factors discussed are all good but it could be better. It is copied below as is.....

"the missionaries eventual conversion of maori to christianity is mostly attributed to 5 different factors; war weariness, synthesis, disease, hongi and education.

maori were tired by war, and the missionaries preached of a peaceful cristian lifestyle, which after on going wars appealed hugely to the maori.

synthesis occoured between the maori religion and christianity. this added to maori conversion as maori wetre relativly happy with the conversion of the two religions, and could see the benifits of converting.

european travelers brought diseases with them that maori had never previously encountered, such as TB. they had no immunity and there were no knowlage, or procedures to deal with them. missioneries on the other hand had previous experiance with them, and were able to supply maori with appropriate medication and prayers. this aided maori conversion as it gave them faith in the christian god.

hongi was very against conversion so when he died in 1828, a lot of conversions occured over quite a short ammount of time.

the maori language had never really been previously been written dow, so maori were fasniated by the concept of writting, and education. this curiosity lead to a number of conversions."

Below is the marked work. Note that I have reorganised the structure and added examples/comments. I have not corrected anything else.

________ this is a good attempt but could do with some rearranging and some explanation.

A statement/topic sentence to start...

the missionaries eventual conversion of maori to christianity is mostly attributed to 5 different factors; hongi, war weariness, disease, synthesis, and education.
HONGI
Hongi an important Ngapuhi chief was very against conversion, he had refused to embrace the new religion, so when he died in 1828, and a lot of conversions occured over quite a short ammount of time.
WAR
maori were tired by war, its effects had debilitated their culture and undermined their self belief in thier atua, 20,000 dead and just as many again displaced had left them tired and dispirited. and the missionaries preached of a peaceful cristian lifestyle, which after on going wars appealed hugely to the maori.
DISEASE
european travelers brought diseases, such as TB with them, that maori had never previously encountered, . they had no immunity and there were no knowlage, or procedures to deal with them. missioneries on the other hand had previous experiance with them, and were able to supply maori with appropriate medication and Christian prayers. this aided maori conversion as it gave them faith in the christian god. This further undermined their faith in their own atua.
SYNTHESIS
synthesis occoured between the maori religion and christianity. Traditional Maori beliefs were mixed with Christian ideas to produce new hybrid religions. this added to maori conversion as maori wetre relativly happy with the conversion of the two religions, and could see the benifits of converting. The first of these, Papahurihia is recorded in the 1830's and allowed Christianity to become more acceptable to maori.
EDUCATION
Education also played a part because Hongi had sent slaves to Mission schools, many learnt to read and write in Maori but they also became converted. When released in the early 1830's they returned home to their own Iwi as lay missionaries, often beginning the conversion process before the Europeans arrived.

Now a summary...

If you want to comment further... does the reorganisation work better? Does it make better sense or flow better as a piece of work....? What other details could have been added?